The other week I posted about anxiety and how through the course of the pandemic I've become increasingly anxious about COVID, and have begun to suspect that maybe this all belies a more impacting relationship with anxiety than I had previously considered.
Since then I’ve listened to about five different books on the topic. I don’t know how official a diagnosis one needs, but the way these books have described Generalized Anxiety Disorder pretty accurately describes what’s been going on in my head all these years. The biggest ones were restlessness, a general antsiness, worry spirals, catastrophizing, and imagining every “what if” that could ever possibly happen, no matter how likely, unlikely, or mundane.
This manifests into physical symptoms too, like body aches, headaches, chest pains, digestive issues, tingling sensations, fatigue, and just random sudden body fluctuations that feel like something you should go to the hospital for (which is something I’ve totally done) but are actually nothing.
Listening to the different books, I again had that strange experience of having much of my internal dialogue deconstructed and explained back to me in ways that allow me to step outside my own mind for a minute and get a more objective view of what’s going on. I guess I kinda figured that these things affected everybody to a certain degree—and on some level they do—but it was also interesting to have the realization that non-stop worrying thoughts aren’t completely what goes through other people’s minds morning, noon and night.
In a certain sense, it's been a bit of a relief. It all sorta makes sense now and when those feelings come up again I can much more easily ascribe it to anxiety rather than some brand new strain of COVID that I’m obviously going to be patient zero for.
It’s also strange because I’ve never thought of myself as somebody with anxiety. Everything I had heard about it always felt much more extreme. I know that a lot of people have cases much more severe than my own. In a way, this is partially why I never recognized that some of the mental processes I was dealing with were related to anxiety, but it’s also given me a lot more empathy for people that struggle with mental health issues, especially now that I can draw the connection and have the context to relate to the feelings and experiences too. I’ve definitely had a handful of completely debilitating days during the course of the pandemic and can only imagine the struggle of having to fight through that intensity of feelings on a consistent basis.
I also got a lot of great tools for dealing with anxiety, both from the books and my posts last week. Just simple things like taking slow deep breaths, going for walks, and creating consistent routines in your life can be really helpful. I’m also going to give a more concerted effort towards regular meditation in the near future. And just the knowledge I got to be able to identify anxiety for what it really is has been tremendously helpful too.
The books I read were a mix of fiction, memoir, and academic self-help books.
I really appreciated First, We Make the Beast Beautiful by Sarah Wilson (@_sarahwilson_). It was part self-help journalism, part a story of her own experiences. I resonated a lot with how she described the conflicts and paradoxes of anxiety—such as how it attributed to her success, but also her undoing; how she appreciated being able to feel the world so acutely, but how it also overwhelmed her; and the tension of wanting people and community around you, but also needing a lot of space and alone-time.
One of the other books I listened to was Turtles All the Way Down by John Green (@johngreenwritesbooks). I always liked his CrashCourse YouTube series and knew he had been public about his struggles with anxiety so I was excited to read his book. I was surprised when the main character ended up being a teenage girl (I think he did a good job with it, but I wouldn’t normally suggest that white men should attempt to write books from a teenage girls perspective), but also the way fiction opened the door for me to relate to the main character through her anxiety.
So many things that I thought either everybody dealt with or were strange quirks to me were depicted by the character as being related to her anxiety. Obsessed with different bodily sensations and worrying they were the first signs of a strange disease that would drop you dead tomorrow. [Check] Worrying about other people's needs and experiences to the point that it’s sometimes crippling. [Check] Being late. [Check] Struggling to follow group conversations. [Check] Easily drifting into obsessive thought whenever there's a lull in the action. [Check] Being emotionally unavailable to people close to you because you’ve drifted off into a worry spiral. [Check] These are all things I’ve been guilty of and I didn’t even realize they were THINGS.
And not to make this all about me (because I guess that's something people with anxiety unwittingly do too) but it was also interesting to hear about the challenges that anxiety creates for the people close to you too. It’s sometimes hard to be there for other people when you need your space or are in the middle of a worry spiral. That can suck for the other person and I think it’s important to acknowledge that conflict too.
Aside from sharing my own experiences, I also post this just to create a bit more of a conversation about anxiety, how it manifests, and how we’re all dealing with it. Do you relate to what I’m sharing above? Or does anxiety perhaps manifest differently for you? Does somebody close to you struggle with anxiety? How do you manage from your end?
We got a great list last time posted on this, but I’m always happy to hear about tools and techniques people have found that are helpful, especially for working with or being close to somebody with anxiety?
I shared links to the books I’ve been reading below. I’m always happy to get more book recommendations too.
Interestingly enough, the books with a strong story component are proving to be more resonant and memorable. Funny how that is. ;)
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Anxiety books I read (vaguely in order of recommendation):
First, We Make the Beast Beautiful - Sarah Wilson
Turtles All the Way Down - John Green
The 10 Best Ever Anxiety Managing Techniques - Margaret Wehrenberg
Unfuck Your Brain - Faith G Harper
Retrain Your Brain - Seth Gillihan
The Small Guide to Anxiety - Gary Small
Next on the list:
Waking the Tiger - Peter Levine
The Body Keeps the Score - Bessel Van Der Kolk
Wherever You Go, There You Are - Jon Kabat-Zinn
I chose these books based on what was available via the Libby app from my local library. I’m always looking for more suggestions so if you’ve got them, leave them in the comments or send them my way.
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