Last night—for probably the sixth time since coronavirus entered our consciousness—I went to bed with a scratchy throat, mild body aches, and even a slightly elevated temperature. I thought I was surely coming down with something. Yet I woke up the next morning feeling totally fine.
It seems obvious that it’s just tension and anxiety manifesting as sickness, but it’s still frustrating and creates a series of mini-downward spirals every time it comes up.
I’ve spent the last week and a half ping-ponging back and forth between a feeling of peace with the way life has slowed down and tension with what we’re dealing with. If I were to distill my fear down to what’s actually causing the tension, it’s simple. I don’t want to die. I don’t want people I love to die. I certainly don't want to be the one that spreads a sickness to somebody else that causes them extreme harm too.
I know it’s a statistical anomaly, but anytime I see a random article about an otherwise healthy 39-year-old or 36-year-old dropping dead, I get a little bolt of tension up my neck. The fact that most sick people need to be isolated and can't see their loved ones in their final moments is a scary thought too. I can deal with getting sick if that's all it was. It’s only the most extreme edge of the possibilities that cause me concern.
There’s a social justice component to it all too. I go for walks in my neighborhood and see remodelers and construction workers (mostly Hispanic men) still working away. I’m planning my grocery trips to carefully limit them to as few as possible, yet there are people that are spending 40+ hours of their weeks right in the middle of it. I have a lot of friends that work in healthcare talking about how PPE is already running low and we’re just at the beginning of what is to come. Not everybody has the luxury of staying home right now.
The main thing I try to say to myself is just to take it day-by-day. We’re all more resilient than we realize and that’s something that will probably become clear to us soon. The quiet and empty streets in my neighborhood are an indication that most people are able to stay home and take this seriously—at least in my immediate vicinity.
I also find hope in the way this situation is causing all of us to think about what’s important and re-evaluate our priorities. I love seeing all the creativity and engagement that’s happening online, and the way people are coming together to help each other out. I hope we remember these feelings and continue to act on them when this is all over too.